Shopping With Wesker
by EchoCIDE
Summary: Wesker has run out of something very important and now must brave a place where he would rather not go: The grocery store. Thinking about doing maybe a series of these ...With Wesker stories but we'll see. You guys know how I am. Two or Three Shot...
1. Pastries and Fanny Packs

Captain's Log: Stardate... November 4th, 2002.

When I awoke from my slumber this morning, I immediately set down stairs in my very large and very grand home - better write that down ladies, everything I own is _huge_. Everything. - to depart on my journey to locate nourishment to sustain my physical body.

Toaster Strudels. Wildberry. The best kind.

When I arrived in my HUGE kitchen I set forth to deliver said pastries from the freezer to the toaster and finally unto my stomach where they would supply the nutrients needed to fulfill me properly.

I would soon have global mastocation and then global digest...tation. Shut up.

Anyhow, I go to open the aforementioned freezer unit and retrieve my beloved Toaster Strudels but little do I know that I will be met with a horror so unimaginable it makes even me, Albert Wesker, shudder in fear.

The blue box which holds the pastries needed to sustain my hunger and refurbish my body is...

...empty.

Panic and fear grip me and I want to run far, far, far away from this hellridden toaster pastry-less place. But I was no coward and I laugh in the face of adversion, promptly tearing it's heart out with my very large bare hands.

And you know what they say about men with large hands...

I knew I had to face an enemy far greater than any astray tyrant or that _despicable_ Chris Redfield. I would need to embark on a journey to put this abhorrence at an end.

I would have to go to grocery store.

In the event you haven't been to one a primary thing is to be noticed about this haven for annoying and rude people:

It's filled with crying babies and zucchini.

And if there are two things I cannot stand, it's crying children and zucchini. That deplorable vegetable is nothing more than a green squash AND I WILL NOT HAVE THAT IMPOSTER IN MY MOUTH. As for the sobbing babies, I think that speaks for itself. Sure they are cute and cherubic but when it comes down to it, children are more evil than I am.

I wanted to avoid that hellish market at all costs so I hatched a most ingenious scheme. Picking up my phone I dialed the first number that came to mind.

"Hello?"

"Ada! I'm out of breakfast supplies!" I cry into the phone, trying to sound more sinister but my stomach really hurt. I needed my nourishment as soon as possible.

"Oh...Hi Wesker. No Toaster Strudels?" She doesn't seem impressed or particularly sinister-ized. I love word making.

"Indeed. Someone has eaten the last one and when I find them I will make sure they pay." And so I would, damnable pastry thieves! No one crosses me, I am Albert Wes-

"That person was probably you..."

My face fell. Well, I can't rightly make myself pay now can I?

"Ada, I need you to go to the super market for me and purchase as many boxes as possible! It will be your finest mission to date, you WILL not fail." She sighed on the other line but I ignored her, it's what I do best. Well that and my hair. Have you seen it? It's...beautiful.

"Yeah I can't. I have something to do today."

"Oh? And what is more important than the well-being of your boss?"

"Everything. See ya 'round."

Due to the disobedience and blatant disrepect from my subordinate, I had one more option ahead of me before my time ran out. I dialed another number.

I heard something in the background and furrowed my eyes. It sounded like a whale dying, or a whole family of cats being brutally beaten to death with microphone stand. It was neither of those things, only one of my best men singing, "Hello? Hello!"

_"Put your assssss in the aiiiiir! Oh put-put your ass up in the air! Put your ass up in the air!"_

"What in my name-" I wanted to rip my ears off if I it would help. It made me quite frankly want to kill myself...again. And not come back this time.

_"Put your ass in the air. Put your ass in the air. Put your ass up in the air! Move around like you don't- _Oh god! Hello?" The music ceased and the voice on the phone seemed nervous. You would be too if someone had heard _you _singing that rubbish.

"Krauser," I pinched the bridge of my nose, "I will pretend I did not hear what I just heard if you promise me I will never have to hear it again."

"Boss! I-uh-well you see-I was just-"

"Nevermind that, Krauser. I need your assistance."

"What's up?"

"What's up? What is up? Oh I will tell you just what is up! While you were knitting yourself a purse and singing low-grade techno songs-"

"It's a fanny pack! And I was doing yoga-"

"KRAUSER!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Like I was saying, while you were doing all of those things, I have been starving nearly to death!" Okay, it may have been over the top just a bit. My stomach hurt so badly though.

"Are you out of Toaster Strudels again, sir?"

My face dropped a bit. Am I really that transparent?

"I am afraid so. I need you to go to the supermarket and procure them. Wildberry. The value sized box. Two of them." I stared longingly at the freezer. This was a fate worse than death, if _Chris_ were here right now, he'd be laughing at me. I bet I didn't really eat the last one, I bet he did it! He did it because he knows I am better than him at everything and because he knows Jill tried to have relations with me at the Christmas party and-

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't."

"Wh-What do you mean you can't!" He couldn't be serious!

"I have to go fanny p- I mean uhh pool table shopping. Yeah, that's manly right? Pool tables?"

"FINE! I'LL GET THE DAMN THINGS MYSELF!" I slammed the phone down, which now that I think about it seems unnecessary since it was a cell phone. I gathered my keys and my coat, readjusting my shades. I knew I would to look most intimidating if I was to get out of this alive.


	2. Oreos and Adult Hygeine

I stood in the entrance, feeling their beady little eyes on me. I wanted to kill them all but I knew it had to wait until after breakfast.

I had more important things to do right now.

I step over the threshold and immediately I smell it, the sterile and mothball scented costume clothes that made me want to die inside.

No. This was even worse than babies. It was Sunday, after 12 o' clock, and I knew it could only mean one thing...

Elderly people.

I shuddered but I braved on, my eyes quickly searching for the frozen section. I spotted it and made my way to my destination but I was cut off by something more perturbing than the nastiest pus filled or rotten flesh covered zombie. It was adorned in large cocktail jewelry from before I was born and the ugliest smock I had ever seen.

"Oh hey there, sonny! Would you mind helpin' me out? I need to reach the Depends on that shelf up there. You see my arth-err-ritis hasn't left me very flexible,"

"...Of course..." I shuddered but I really couldn't risk a scene and killing anyone, I would have to play along if I wanted to receive the ultimate ooey gooey delicious frosted reward. I pulled down her...sanitary products. How shameful.

"You know I used be quite flexible back in my day, youngin'. Yes I did, did you know I used to be a dancer back in the day? Yes I did, I was quite the hot young thing back then, as you young people say these days. I used to have this trick I would do with a ping pong ball and my-"

"Hereareyouradultdiapersma'am!" I nearly screamed and threw the package into the cart, making a break for the nearest empty aisle. I knew enough to know that I did not need to hear the rest of that story.

I found myself in the cookie aisle, lucky enough for me there weren't any snotty little brats to deal with. As soon as I got my breakfast supplies and got out of there I would make sure that Ada and Krauser would pay for making me go through this horrible shopping experience.

I needed a quick and people-less route to get to my pastries. My eyes had scouted out a quick route that would lead me directly to it but then I heard voices and I panicked, grabbing a box of fig newtons to hide behind. Not my brightest idea...

"I can't believe they're out of Oreos. What kind of store doesn't have freakin' Oreos?"

Dear god no.

"Calm down, Chris. Look they have the double stuf'd Oreos. You want those instead?"

"No, Jill, I don't. I want my - Wesker?" I could hear the sound of their necks snapping in my direction and I fluidly pounced from my clever hiding spot. Valentine and Redfield were standing behind their cart looking quite confused. What? Just because I'm all powerful and awesome I can't go shopping? How prejudiced.

"Well, if it isn't Christopher and Jill. As much as I'd love to kill you today, I have important matters to attend to."

"Are you out of Toaster Strudels?" Jill said, looking as if she wanted to laugh. How dare she! No one laughs at me!

"Why were you hiding behind a box of cookies?" Chris asked. His stupid ugly face made me want to punch it.

"I see you haven't been easing up on the steroids, Chris. Your manhood must be suffering terribly."

"You son-of-a-bitch- Jill hold me back..."

"Tata, fools. I have things to acquire. Tell your sweet-assed sister I said 'Hi'." In an epic display of awesome I vaulted over the aisle. The jump was well-timed, my landing however was not. I found myself inside the cart of what could only be a single mother and her child. I looked up into big blue eyes and for a second I almost thought it was cute but I am Albert Wesker and I am unaffected by cute. A thirty second staring contest ensued between me and the child, who was holding a cookie and seemed to be debating in his simple little head if he should give it to me. The mother seemed to be busy, looking at Lean Cuisine meals.

Honey, if you want to get rid of those love handles, you're going to need far more than Lean Cuisine. It doesn't count if you eat seven at a time.

I did not want to be seen, this much I knew and I could still hear that gorilla over there whining about his Oreos. Those ignorant cretins! It was like they had completely forgotten that I was here. I shall show them I will! As soon as I have breakfast I will deliver a package of Anthrax glitter to them. Christopher will never be able to resist things that sparkle.

Slowly I brought my finger to my lips, trying to get the child to not squeal or speak as I attempted to get out of the Diet Coke pit. As soon as I moved however, the little bundle of human excrement had other ideas and thrust his cookie in my face.

"Cookie!" He said simply. It very fondly reminded me of Christopher but I was too concerned at the woman who's back was still turned to me to think on it.

"Ahh-No, no thank you." I whispered, quite unsure as to what to do at the moment. It wasn't as if I was known for my child skills.

"Cookie!" He cried out again, this time seeming quite frustrated. The mother did nothing more than respond with a wave of her hand and a non-committal 'Yes, dear. Cookie.'

What would I do now? Should I take the cookie to shut the little rugrat up? Never. I was Albert Wesker and I do not eat cookies that have been held by some chubby, dirty little hand. No sir I do not.

"I do not want your cookie!" I tried to stay quiet, gritting my teeth and hissed with my lips still shut. The mother hadn't seemed to notice me at all. Not a very attentive woman, I'll tell you that.

"COOKIE!" The child screamed and jammed the offensive foodstuff in my mouth. It was foul and I was pretty sure it was fuzzy, if the lint in my teeth was anything to go on. There was no more time to waste! I spat the cookie on the floor and leapt out of the cart, finally startling the child's mother, who seemed befuddled at best. I raced to the other aisle, frantically searching for that sweet blue box with my prized breakfast food.

Then I saw it, beautiful and rectangular, begging me to come and feast upon it's fruity, warm goodness. So many flavors were present but I only wanted one, the only one that mattered. I threw open the freezer door and thrust as many boxes as I could fit in my arms and made for the checkout aisle in blinding speed.

The woman behind the counter seemed non-plussed with my extraordinary speed and mega-win prowess but I didn't care much. I had done the trial, braved this horrible place and now soon I would reap the benefits. Toaster Strudel land here I come!

"Will that be all, sir?" She asked in a bored tone as she scanned my items and placed them in a bag.

"Why yes, yes it will." I was feeling quite proud of myself. Bio-organic weapons and zombies were one thing but grocery stores were a whole different animal.

"Well, that'll be $32.97." 32 dollars and 97 cents? How many boxes did I grab? No matter though, the more the merrier as far as I was concerned. I bestowed upon her one of my rare and glorious smiles as I reached for my wallet. Her response was to roll her eyes. Ignorant vermin, have they no idea who I-

As I patted my pocket down only to find it empty I panicked, inwardly of course and the lady rolled her eyes at me again. I did not really notice, as my world was falling to shit around me.

How had I not the foresight to remember to grab my bloody wallet!

The sound of a heavy shopping cart squeaking behind me grabbed my attention and I was faced with a god-awful sight.

"Oh hey, Wesker. Forgot your wallet?" THAT ABOMINABLE CHRIS REDFIELD AND HIS LITTLE GIRLFRIEND WERE STANDING BEHIND ME, THEIR CART FULL OF TOASTER STRUDELS! They were even Wildberry and everything. I wanted to cry but instead shot Christopher the dirtiest of looks, though it didn't have time to stick as the cashier was speaking to me. I turned to her with the same look but she ignored it as she said the words that made me bolt out of there as fast as I could go.

"Sir? Are you sure that will be all? We are having a sale on zucchini if you're interested."


End file.
